I want to talk about domestic violence. I want to talk about it because I feel like no one is talking about it enough. But I also don't know what "enough" looks like.
What I have to say is messy. There will be information that could be a trigger topic for some people. If this is you, just watch this video and come back for my normal trigger-free writing on Monday. If you aren't going to have a trauma trigger based on today's topic, you should still watch the video; but wait until after, so that you can restore your faith in humanity and beautiful things.
There. Wasn't that beautiful?
I am thinking about domestic violence because of the most recent news out of South Africa about Oscar Pristorius. If you don't know the name, I will give you a bit of history, and you can learn more about his story here. Pristorius made history in the 2012 Olympics by being the first disabled athlete to compete in the able-bodied London games. His story is very compelling. A birth defect left him in prosthetics since toddler-hood. He is considered a national hero in South Africa. His nickname is "The Blade Runner," because of the appearance of this running prosthetics. As inspring as his history may be, on Valentine's Day he shot and killed his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, in his gated community home. He was granted bail today. Family and supporters cheered in the court room as the magistrate announced his decision. He swears it was an accident, although there have been some claims that there were issues with violence in their short relationship.
I don't know what happened. I wasn't in that room.
Family and friends claim that it seemed like Pristorius and Steenkamp were happy. Goodness knows that both of these young people were in the prime of their lives and beautiful. So, these two beautiful people, we say, can't possibly be living with this secret. I mean, every relationship has it's ups and downs. This is just was all a terrible mistake. It can't possibly be true.
And maybe it is. And maybe it isn't. Maybe, we just like the idea that this was something that was never supposed to happen to a happy, non-violent couple. People like Pristorius are heroes and heroes don't hurt anyone.
I don't know what happened. I wasn't in that room.
What I do know, is what we want to be true when it comes to domestic and relationship violence rarely is. There is no such things as a typical abuser. Chances are very good that if you were waiting in line behind an abuser at the Starbucks, you would still feel safe. You wouldn't think, "this guy is gonna hit me." The abuse, when it does occur, is behind closed doors. It happens in secret. It is not an accident. It doesn't happen because of stress or because the victim was in any way provoking. No one deserves it. No one is to blame but the perpetrator. The events happen in secret, and to anyone of any age, race, gender, or socio-economic level. Even beautiful and successful people can be abused. Most If Ms. Steenkamp was being abused, it is unlikely that she would have told anyone. At the heart of domestic violence is a dis-balance of power.
Yeah, dis-balance isn't a "real" word and I am supposed to use "unbalanced." Stick with me. I am using disbalance because, while the prefix "dis-" and "un-" both mean "not," "dis-" takes its origin from the Latin meaning for reversing. An unbalanced system can be righted, a disbalanced system exists to reverse the balance and can't be righted.
There is no mechanism by which a domestic violence situation can be either right, or righted. Some people who are in violent relationships manage to leave their abusers. Some don't. More than a fair share of them end much like Ms. Steenkamp's story. Someone in custody, someone dead, and with everyone wondering happening what happened in that room.
If you need helping leaving, check out these resources:
Love is Respect
A How-To Guide
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